Local News
We Need A Book Titled ‘He’s Just That Into You’
Published: December 2, 2004
My good friend Maureen is a writer in New York City for CNN’s prime-time show, “Anderson Cooper 360,” which targets the “20- and 30-something” crowd. She e-mailed the other day to let me know about a guest they were having on the show that night: Greg Behrendt, consultant for three consecutive seasons of the show “Sex and the City” (that “highly realistic and principled” TV show). Behrendt was featured on the CNN show because he has recently co-authored a book on dating that is generating quite a bit of buzz. It’s called “He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys.”
I waited approximately two weeks before succumbing to curiosity and buying a copy. I have to admit that I was anxious to read this book with its glossy hot pink and lime green cover and promise of juicy insight and life-altering wisdom into the male mind.
The premise is basic and oddly insightful, such as this advice: “The next time you feel the need to start ‘figuring him out,’ consider the glorious thought that maybe he’s just not that into you. And then set yourself loose to go find the one who is.” Sometimes women need to be reminded of obvious tidbits such as “Men are not complicated … when a guy is into you, he lets you know it.”
I think many Christian dating gurus would be in complete agreement with some of Behrendt’s statements. For instance, he writes, “When I met my wife, Amiira, I became a different guy, a man who showed up, suited up and was glad to do so, because I believe in love the verb, not the noun.” He says he wrote the book to empower women and remind them that they deserve a guy who thinks they’re incredible. I have no problem with that logic, but there is a missing piece, a piece that we all too often forget.
Behrendt writes, “It’s your life—how dare you not have faith in it? The only story that has ever helped me live my life successfully is the story of faith; I believe that life will turn out well. More fervently, I believe that you have no other choice than to believe that.”
I read these sentences and was left unsettled by this definition of faith. Too often these days the world’s definition of faith is having faith in oneself, in one’s own life or existence. But I don’t understand this rationale. If I believed that life would turn out well because my only other option is to believe that it wouldn’t, then what am I having faith in? I’m not an unusually wise person, but I do know that I am too small, inconsistent, weak and confused to be worth having faith in. What I mean is that this world is bigger than me, and I’m certainly in no place of power or control.
My faith is in God. If I didn’t believe in a God who has a divine plan for each of our lives, then why should I believe that the right guy is out there? The reality of 21st-century dating and marriage certainly isn’t hopeful. We live in a world where cohabitation, contraception and divorce have become commonplace and where the very definition of marriage as the union of a man and a woman is being challenged. If I step back and look at this picture, it would be easy to rationalize staying in a less-than-ideal relationship because you probably won’t find anything better. Of course you won’t, but God will find the right person for you. Oh high and mighty TV writers, you’re missing the most important piece of the puzzle.
I do ministry for those in their 20s and 30s—mostly single. I am myself on the cusp of 30 (how did that happen?) and single (and how is that true?!). I see and feel the frustration of dating on a daily basis. My friends and I have tried everything (“Hurry Date,” social groups, online dating) to make progress toward happily-ever-after. I see people dating and becoming confused, and thus going out and buying glossy pink and lime books promising to tell us where we’re all going wrong. We forget basics (that is, it’s not a good sign if the person you’re dating is making you crazy) and need people like the “Sex and the City” folks to write a book to remind us that dating someone should make us happy—not sad, lonely, frustrated, confused or a combination of the above. It was almost worth paying $12.97 to be reminded of this.
I am neither endorsing nor criticizing this book. It’s clearly written with good intentions to both empower and enlighten women (as well as to make the authors a pretty penny). It’s also clearly not written with any Christian backbone (for example, including chapters like “He’s just not that into you if he’s having sex with someone else”). And as you read, you do need to overlook a good bit of off-color language.
Ironically, the book, probably unintentionally, encourages us to go back to the traditional male and female roles of knight and lady, which is a valiant and beautiful idea. I would add to that concept that as you stumble along in dating or courtship or whatever you want to call it, have faith in God, not in yourself or in life. I’ve seen too many young adults lose faith in God after countless bad dating experiences, after getting their heart crushed one too many times. This isn’t God’s fault. That’s the fault of the person you were dating. Behrendt is right to say that we all deserve better.
We need a book written on dating called “He’s Just That Into You.” The jacket cover would say, “God is so into you that often, in His infinite wisdom and love, He allows you to date jerks. He always allows you to make your own decisions, thus learning hard lessons. But these are the lessons that will help you appreciate and recognize the right person when he or she does come along. God’s plan is ultimately best for you. If you have faith in God, then whatever state you end up in—married with children, Religious with community, or single with cats—is the one that will make you happiest and most fulfilled space… but all bets are off if you only have faith in yourself.”
Ann Blasick is the director of the Young Adult Ministry program for the Archdiocese of Atlanta. She can be contacted at (404) 885-7222 or ablasick@archatl.com.
