Dating A Catholic May Be A Click Away

By ERIKA ANDERSON, Staff Writer

Published: September 25, 2003

ATLANTA—Joshua Gillespie didn’t have many opportunities for dating at male-dominated Georgia Tech.

He knew that he wanted a Catholic wife—someone kind, intelligent and as active as he was.

Meanwhile, in graduate school at Emory University, Jennifer Pharris had dated guys before, but there was always something missing. She longed for someone Catholic and intelligent, who had the same morals and values as she did.

Next June, Gillespie and Pharris will celebrate finding the person for whom they had searched, as they are joined in marriage at Holy Spirit Church. It may have been destiny that brought them together, a sort of miracle of fate, as some romantics might say.

But more than likely, it was the hand of God working through an unlikely source—the World Wide Web.

Like tens of thousands of Catholics, Gillespie and Pharris ventured into the world of online dating. Via Catholicsingles.com, the couple first met virtually and planned an in-person date.

CatholicSingles.com, like most online dating sites, gives its members the opportunity to create a profile, citing their likes and dislikes, their ideal mate and first date, favorite books, movies and music. But because it caters to Catholic singles, the site also gives members a chance to express their spirituality. The site asks members to fill in questions such as “How often do you attend Mass?” “Are you able to marry in the church?” and “Describe your most significant religious experience.”

Singles then browse profiles looking for their ideal matches and make contact via the Web site.

Gillespie, 24, and a parishioner at Holy Spirit and the Georgia Tech Catholic Center, made the initial contact with Pharris.

“I saw her ad and responded,” he said. “She had the level of faithfulness I was looking for, and she seemed intelligent, into exercise and well-educated.”

Pharris, 23, a parishioner at St. Theresa Church in Douglasville, said that Gillespie was the first person to whom she had responded on the site.

“I liked that he was well-educated,” she said. “My main concern was that I didn’t want someone who was fanatically religious, but I wanted someone Catholic who had the same morals and values as I had.”

The two corresponded via e-mail for a month, and then planned their first date.

“I knew right away she was special,” Gillespie said.

“I felt really comfortable with him right away,” Pharris said.

As they continued to learn about each other, the relationship grew. Gillespie proposed on Aug. 1 and the two plan to be married June 19, 2004.

Gillespie and Pharris are one of many Internet success stories, but not everyone has had the same luck.

Sue Stubbs, 37, a parishioner at St. Benedict’s Church in Duluth, has also ventured into the world of Internet dating. Searching for someone with the same Catholic beliefs that she holds sacred, Stubbs turned to a Catholic dating site, which is now AveMariasingles.com.

“My faith was really growing so much, and I was hoping to find others in the same boat,” she said. “The tough part for me was that I had preconceived notions of people being more open to physical imperfections.”

Stubbs was disappointed by some members’ emphasis on the physical, choosing people based on looks rather than commonality.

“That was disappointing and hard for me,” she said, adding that she corresponded with a few men online but never met anyone in person. “I just never got that far.”

AveMariasingles.com has nearly 8,000 members, nearly 200 marriages of people who have met through the site, and 35 more engagements. Stubbs knows that online dating may work for some, but she doesn’t think it’s for her.

“I think finding the right person is like a miracle,” she said. “No matter how you meet someone, it’s God’s doing. I think that probably the reason I didn’t meet someone that way is that it wasn’t in God’s plan for me. It’s all in time.”

Christopher Smith, a parishioner of St. Catherine of Siena Church in Kennesaw, also tried AveMariesingles.com. Though he is now in a relationship with someone he met in a bar, he believes that online dating is a viable option, and one that’s become more acceptable. He feels that having had the experience of online dating helped him in his relationships outside of the Internet.

“I really think that doing the online dating thing helped to improve my confidence,” he said. “Plus, I felt like I was at an advantage to other people in the bar scene. I had spent all this time, filling out my profile, and answering questions about who I am and what I want. I just felt I was more prepared to go out there.”

At the Sept. 3 installment of “Theology on Tap,” a speaker series for Catholic young adults held that evening at Harp Irish Pub in Roswell, Brian Barcaro, one of the founders of StRaphael.net, a site for Catholic singles, spoke to the young adults and admitted his main reason for starting the site.

“I wanted to meet girls,” he said, his confession greeted with a laugh from the crowd. “What better way than to bring them to us?”

Barcaro and his partners had seen the secular market for online dating blossom and wanted to create a site that marketed to Catholics.

“A lot of people out there just want to know that there are other people out there like them, other people who want to be Catholic and are proud of being Catholic,” he said. “So we built this network of Catholic singles, that is unlike the secular sites that are focused on love, sex and romance. We wanted to create a community coming together to find their vocation—whether it be married, single or Religious life.”

The site boasts 26,000 members, all looking to find their soulmate. Barcaro insists that it’s just a stereotype that online dating is for those in desperation.

“Some people will say it’s weird, that it’s for people who can’t get dates, like the weirdos who put personal ads in the paper,” he said. “The reality is that if you go online for just a few minutes, you’ll find that that’s not the case. We have priests, Catholic laymen and apologists who support us. They realize that this is the future.”

Barcaro said that he feels St.Raphael.net helps Catholics to meet others with the same values, an element that is lacking in some of the secular dating sites. But he realizes there are always downsides.

“Don’t think ‘because I’m on a Catholic site, this is a great guy,’” he said. “That guy could be a serial killer. Don’t fall into this wonderful utopia that all people on a Catholic site are great and good. This is just like the real world.”

Barcaro also offered tips for moving a potential relationship forward after making initial contact via a Web site.

“First, meet them in person as quickly and as safely as you can,” he said. “You have to establish physical contact. It’s not good to go for long periods of time over the computer. It raises expectations about that person.”

But Barcaro said that he truly believes people can fall in love without even meeting.

“Don’t underestimate not having the physical presence of getting to know someone better,” he said. “I do think people can fall in love that way. Is it rare? Absolutely. Do I think it’s possible? Definitely.”

Gillespie and Pharris are thankful that the Internet brought them together.

“I think that (Internet dating) is a viable option, especially if there aren’t other options available to you,” Gillespie said. Pharris agrees, adding that she is trying to get her widowed mother to join a site.

“We never would have met because we just weren’t in the same circle,” she said. “I think it’s definitely something single people should try. I never would have thought I’d meet someone like Josh that way, but I did.”