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By Erika Anderson, Staff Writer

ATLANTA-Carol carried with her the guilt of having had an abortion for 24 years. "I never talked to anyone about it," she writes. "It just festered inside me." Carol found her way to the Post Abortion Treatment and Healing program. "This program was a blessing-a gift from God. It has changed my life," she writes in a testimonial on the PATH web site. "This program allowed me to open up, to cry, and to learn that God still loves me and He has truly forgiven me." Mary Ann McNeil, director of PATH, has been with the program since it began at St. Jude the Apostle Church in Atlanta in 1987. At first there was no set structure, but when McNeil took over the program after a St. Jude pastoral minister moved, she found a Bible study geared for post-abortive women called "Forgiven and Set Free." "At first it was just kind of open, but we realized that when talking about it became hard, the women didn't come back," she said. "Not only do they need structure, but they need God. The book and Scripture really helped me to help them. We've never looked back and we've used it ever since." Just this year a companion Scripture study for men called "Healing a Father's Heart" has been used. "Men have really been ignored," McNeil said. "We know we're not reaching enough men, and it was really on my heart to do this." Participants in the nondenominational Bible study usually take from 12-14 weeks to go through the program, based on the stages of grief. Trained facilitators lead the groups, spread throughout the archdiocese. Before beginning the PATH process, McNeil, who holds a master's degree in social work from the University of Georgia, talks individually with the women, who, she said, share one thing in common: brokenness. "Until they sit down with me, they are so scared. When they come in, it's so cliché, but it's so true-they think that this is the one unforgivable sin." McNeil hasn't experienced an abortion, although many of the facilitators have and have gone through the PATH program themselves. But as a mother of four, she knows the pain parents feel when they've hurt their child. "When I have done something that I think has hurt my child, it feels so terrible, and you compound it by 1,000 or more and this is how these women feel," she said. "They are so broken, and you just want to say to them, 'It's going to be OK,' but most of them don't believe it." Theresa Burke is the founder of Rachel's Vineyard post-abortion ministries, and the co-author, along with David C. Reardon, of "Forbidden Grief: The Unspoken Pain of Abortion." In the book's introduction, Burke writes of the many women she has encountered who suffer in silence after having an abortion. When she first began her work counseling post-abortive women, there were few resources. "As a result, many women and men suffer in silence, in complete numbness, or with the frightening and bewildering feeling that they are going crazy," she writes. "Grief following an abortion can be extremely complicated and can be experienced on all levels of the personality. For many women, the source of their distress may go unrecognized, unspoken and unnamed." "The symptoms I and others have observed vary widely between individuals. Despite the diversity of emotional and behavioral reactions, however, these symptoms are all rooted in the experience of abortion," she continues. "For many, it is primarily an issue of unresolved grief. For many other women, it is a traumatic event which has disordered their coping skills and distorted their lives and behavior in dramatic and even bizarre ways." McNeil said that many women suppress their feelings after an abortion for as long as seven to 10 years. "A lot of the women in our groups are in their 30s and 40s and maybe had an abortion when they were 18, 19 or 20-college age," she said. "At that time they were not going to church or not close to God . . . They may push it to the back of their mind, but it surfaces later, sometimes when they become pregnant again or when they have a child and remember that it wasn't their first child. They have all these sad, guilty and sometimes very frightening feelings that they have to work through." That's where McNeil and her facilitators come in. Most of the group leaders know firsthand the pain that is felt by the participants. "Our facilitators are drawn largely from our graduates, who have been there and really understand. Many of them have similar stories. God's hand is so in it," she said, adding that facilitators and participants are often paired up without realizing their stories are nearly identical. Retreats are also offered during the year, based on the Rachel's Vineyard model. Though the Bible studies are nondenominational, McNeil said that the retreats have a distinct "Catholic flavor," offering Mass and the sacrament of reconciliation. "It's a beautiful process," she said. McNeil has witnessed firsthand the amazing healing that has come from the PATH program, and her faith has increased because of it, she said. "These women come in, and there are tears and anguish and fear and depression. If I didn't know how great they would be at the end, I don't know if I could do it," she said. "If they have really come and done the work, I've seen some women who are actually radiant. Those are the ones who have really accepted Christ's promise." One such participant wrote McNeil a letter after going through the program. In her letter, she described her transformation from grief and fear to peace and calmness. "As I walked through this very dark valley, I had to trust the Lord completely and I am now healed and out of the valley," she wrote. "When I began this walk I really was consumed by a spirit of fear and thought that if I was truthful I would die. But quite the contrary has happened. For the first time in my life I feel alive! The forgiveness I have been able to now accept from God, my daughter and myself has set me free." "And I never would have been able to get here without the help of PATH," she continued. "God knew what I needed long before I did and I am so thankful to everyone who has answered His call to do this work." McNeil said that there are many stories like this woman's, and that this ministry has become "addictive." "You'd think this kind of work would be depressing, but it's anything but. You just know that God's going to step in and it's just so cool," she said. "I don't know if I could put into words how much it's meant to me. It's just been so wonderful." In the future, McNeil would like to see PATH continue to grow. "I'd love to have a day where we have a training for priests and deacons," she said. "It's really tough to find priests to help us. They are so busy." McNeil would also like to see more education about post-abortion syndrome. Her greatest hope, she said, is to prevent abortions altogether. "I think if we can educate people better and support people together-if there is more education and support from family, more awareness with the men, the boyfriends, as well, then we can work toward prevention," she said. "That's everyone's ultimate goal."

For information about PATH, call (404) 896-6521 or e-mail McNeil at pathmcneil@aol.com. The nonprofit organization also has a web site located at www.healingafterabortion.org.