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DUNWOODY--Five years ago, Frank and Pauline Dorman's 22-year-old son, Mark,
was killed in a mountain climbing accident. Today, the Dorman's grief has
become a tool for ministering to those experiencing the death of a loved one.
"Having been there before, we have a lot of empathy for people who are
going through this," Frank said. "I think we have an understanding of
the needs of people who have experienced a death."
As leaders of the Bereavement Ministry at All Saints Church, the Dormans
have organized a core group of 10 parishioners who minister in various ways to
people who are grieving the death of a loved one.
A visitation group goes to the homes of the families.
"We're not doing the same things as the priests do," Frank said.
"We just try to help them with any of the more practical things,"
such as booking hotel rooms, helping to choose Scripture readings, or "sit
there and hold their hand and let them cry."
A correspondence group keeps a record of all deaths of parishioners' family
members, whether or not the deceased person attended All Saints. They send a
card to the family offering condolences when a loved one has died, as well as a
follow-up card 11 months later, keeping the family in prayer during the death
anniversary. The correspondence group also creates a program for the funeral
service.
A hospitality group will help the family coordinate a reception after the
funeral in the social hall, setting up tables and serving guests.
Twice a year a bereavement group will meet for six weeks and a major part of
the ministry are two memorial Masses held yearly.
Each spring and fall, the memorial Mass gives comfort to those who have lost
a loved one, usually within the last year, although Dorman said that they
sometimes remember those who died several years earlier.
"There are no time limits to grief," he said. "It's certainly
more raw the more recent it is, but for some people, it's raw even if it
happened a few years ago."
The Mass begins with the recitation of the names of the deceased, who are
represented by roses given to the family members. The roses are placed in a
vase on the altar during the offertory, which is later taken into the social
hall as a centerpiece for a reception.
"Everyone who comes to the Mass always says it is just such a nice way
to remember their loved ones," Dorman said.
Other groups of the Bereavement Ministry include the Knights of Columbus,
who provide altar servers for funerals, and a Resurrection choir. Dorman said
that they also make sure a member of the ministry attends each funeral to help
the families with any other needs.
"Without the support of the priest and the people, we would not be able
to do this," he said. "It's incredible how many people are willing to
pitch in and, I think, go above and beyond."
Dorman said that members of the Bereavement Ministry hope to provide more
parish-wide education about death and the need to pre-plan.
"In some respects, death is the last taboo subject in America," he
said.
Dorman said that he and his wife learned a lot about the grieving process
from their son's death and are now trying to share with others what they
learned.
"You hear so much when somebody dies about bringing closure to
it," he said. "There is no such thing as closure. It's with you
forever."
He also said that grief is an emotion felt by people in many ways.
"Everyone grieves differently," he said. "However they end up
grieving is good. People who are going through it need to understand that it's
okay to grieve."
Death is also difficult for the person who is trying to console, Dorman
said.
"People try to use euphemisms, like 'I'm sorry about your loss,'"
he said. "When my son died and people said that to me, I hadn't lost
anything. You lose your car keys. I knew exactly where Mark was."
"Death is the reality of the situation," he said.
"Particularly in the beginning, people think that it hasn't happened or it
may have been a dream, but the fact is that someone has died. It's not that
they're lost."
Dorman said that the bereavement group tries to aid the families in
understanding the practical needs.
"When people are in shock, we work really hard not to make decisions
for them," he said. "Instead, we try to make them understand that
they do need to focus on the decisions they need to make."
Dorman recalled a homily given by Deacon Ray Egan at the memorial Mass and
said that it could almost be used as the Bereavement Ministry's mission
statement.
A baby cries when it comes into the world and the loved ones rejoice, Dorman
said. When that same person leaves the world, he rejoices and the loved ones
cry.
"What we're doing is not for the person who has died, but for the loved
ones," he said. "The person who has died is already rejoicing. The
ones who are grieving are the ones who need us."
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