By Gretchen Keiser

In mid-September a program began in the archdiocese for hurting marriages.

About a month later, a number of couples who are taking part in that program, which is called Retrouvaille, agreed to interviews to discuss the impact it is having upon their marriages.

Those talked to had been married for as many as 17 years or as few as four and a half years and included Catholic couples, Protestant couples and interfaith couples. While they had no idea what the circumstances were in the marriages of others taking part in the program or what others had said about the program they used surprisingly similar words to describe the extraordinary impact Retrouvaille was having upon their marriages.

Several people said they considered the program “a miracle” which had restored hope where they thought it was no longer possible.

“When I went, (on the program’s first weekend) I said I need a miracle,” said the wife in a Catholic couple married for four and a half years, whose young marriage had been burdened by the tragic death of their child.

During the first weekend, she said, “The Lord gave me a miracle.”

In a separate interview that had taken place a few moments earlier, the wife in a Protestant couple, whose seven-year marriage was struggling under strains from family and societal pressure and coping with the needs and demands of three children, said, “I would not think there could be a miracle. But to me Retrouvaille is a miracle.”

On the other hand, the couples interviewed emphasized that there was deep commitment and hard work involved in the program and that it was only a beginning. “It’s hard work and you have to continue to take that extra step,” to give more than 50 percent, said the husband whose wife had just described the program as a miracle. He noted that looking around the room at other couples, one could sense their commitment and how hard they were trying to work through problems in their marriage. The work was rewarded, he said. “When you do something you see has improved your relationship, you don’t feel tired. You feel good about it.”

Retrouvaille, which began in French Canada in 1977, means “a second look.” It is designed to help couples in troubled marriages, even those who are separated or divorced, but want to reexamine their marriage. It begins with a weekend experience from Friday night to Sunday, which takes place in a hotel setting, and then includes a three month follow up program to support healing and communication in the marriage.

About 20 couples took part in the first Retrouvaille program in the Atlanta archdiocese which started the weekend of September 13 to 15. The couples were interviewed during the second of the follow-up workshops, which took place in a parish on a Saturday afternoon. About 85 percent of the couples are continuing to take part in the follow up sessions, the program organizers said.

Father Bob Poandl, Glenmary pastor of St. Francis of Assisi in Blairsville, initiated the program in the archdiocese with several couples who have been active in Marriage Encounter and other renewal programs in the past.

The team couples, who have themselves experienced the Retrouvaille program, give presentations using examples from their own marriages. The couples who take part talk between husband and wife, but not among the couples during the weekend.

Several of those interviewed emphasized the private nature of the program. There is “more introspection than baring of souls,” said the wife in a couple separated after being married for 16 years. “There was so much more opportunity to share between the two parties...I couldn’t imagine having a retreat setting in the middle of a city of two million people in a modern hotel.” Although she and her husband are separated, she said she had experienced “a greater willingness to try” and reconcile the marriage and “the healing began” on the first weekend.

“We’ve seen the enemy and he is us,” she joked gently. Later she added, “It’s wonderful not to be so bitter, so angry, so hostile.”

The husband in another 15-year marriage, who had recently moved out of the family’s home, said, with tears in his eyes, “I had the time (on the weekend). I didn’t have to worry about anything except me and her and what we were going to do with our lives.”

Like several men, he commented that he had buried himself in his work to keep from facing the pain that was present at home. During the weekend, he said, “Once again I found it within myself to forgive, which is something I haven’t been able to do for a long time -- and be forgiven.”

Emphasis during the Retrouvaille program is upon reestablishing communication and bringing about healing and forgiveness in the marriage, but it is the couples themselves who do the hard work, the team couples emphasized. During the first weekend, one of the team members said she felt awed by the commitment of the couples and their willingness to persevere through painful healing and reconciliation. “These are saints, these people,” she said because of the depth of forgiveness that was taking place.

However, the couples themselves are more inclined to emphasize how much they are like others.

One couple, who have been married for 15 years, said that they had watched other couples develop serious marriage problems and had thought to themselves, “if it ever happens to us, we’ll walk away” from the marriage. The Retrouvaille program “was a last ditch effort,” the wife said. “I really am not sure I thought it would work.”

Yet, she said, between the program and counseling with a priest, “we were able to keep the marriage together and truly reconcile and forgive.”

Her husband emphasized that they had made a Marriage Encounter weekend about five years ago because he said that he wanted to reach out to other couples who might be unwilling to admit that they are having marriage problems. “We are an ME couple...and yet we had a hurting marriage,” he said. “There are probably a lot of “encountered” people who feel they can’t go on a Retrouvaille weekend because ‘I’m supposed to have a good marriage.’”

Several couples emphasized the support that they found in the Retrouvaille program simply being with other couples who were working to reconcile their marriages.

“The real advantage is to find out we’re not alone,” said the husband in a 17-year marriage who has been separated from his wife and six children. The non-Catholic partner in an interfaith marriage, he said that he and his wife were also receiving professional marriage counseling. Yet, he said, “I’d say the best thing that has happened to us during our problems is the (Retrouvaille) weekend.”

“It’s not a miracle cure -- don’t get me wrong,” he added quickly. “But I think we have a better chance of salvaging the marriage.”

The program, with presentations by the team couples and the presence, amidst privacy, of other couples, provides great support, he said. The important part for him, he said, was “hearing that other relationships have the same type of problems. You aren’t the only one and you aren’t the only one that wants to overcome it.”

Like several others during the day, he expressed a feisty spirit that indicated a willingness to fight for marriage in the wider world around him.

Squinting up into the bright fall sunshine he said, “We’re trying to hold the marriage together. It’s too easy to say to hell with it.”