By Mary Alyce Fields

(This is an interview with a young woman in the archdiocese whose sister recently committed suicide. Both of their names have been changed for the other article.)

One late afternoon six months ago, Marge’s 24-year-old sister hanged herself in her family’s home. The family is a large, closely knit one and Marge, who is six years older, has “mothered” this sister whom she describes as “very giving, very generous, very personable and very sensitive to other people.” A teacher has described her as the most brilliant student he had ever encountered.

“When you talked with her, you touched her core. She was not shallow -- at all. She was pretty normal, had a great sense of humor, had a boyfriend, had goals,” said Marge. She loved a lot of people and was deeply loved. After her death, letters poured in and the many, many visitors to the family expressed this love. Her Requiem Mass was attended by 800 people.

it was during her sister’s late adolescence, as she started her college years, that Marge, now after reflection, realizes that she could see a change in Nancy. Marge observes: “Youth are expected to figure it all out for themselves. But, this is difficult -- they have no experience to rely on.”

Her sister had never demonstrated symptoms of any kind but neither had “she ever been threatened by a life challenge.” A diagnosis of manic depression was made and her sister placed on the drug, Lithium, a situation she intensely disliked. But, Nancy’s competency at school (she had just passed her GRE exams for graduate school), her sense of humor, her personal gifts masked deeper conflicts. “I think one really just doesn’t know why” a loved one takes her own life, Marge said. Why do some people faced with similar conflicts make it and others kill themselves? Marge describes her sister’s act as aggression turned inward, a hostile act against self. “Nancy was in pain, intense psychic pain; she knew there was something better.” Nancy had experienced a series of deaths among family and friends in the last two years.

The boyfriend of a close friend had killed himself eight months before. There were school debts. There was a break-up with her boyfriend. She was facing a decision about career choices. Marge observes that female adolescence is vastly different from male adolescence - young men have many more outlets for inner turmoil. The stress young women today face as they forge new paths in career choices is enormous and, as yet, unaddressed.

Five weeks before she took her own life, Nancy had quit her job and returned to her family’s home. But Marge thinks that there are “reasons behind the immediate explanations. We truly don’t understand the inner man.” The survivors who live with the consequences of suicide experience a deep, deep grief, an emotional and spiritual crisis. Marge reflects that when the victim is young and the death, a sudden one, “it may be one of the worst kinds of death to experience. There are so many questions and so few answers. You can knock yourself out asking why. You fight out the questions and go on. You try to accept.”

Survivors ask: “What did we do wrong?” Particularly parents. After all, “parents raise their children to live.” All this triggers questions about the love bond between parent and child, between sister and beloved sister.

Forgiveness is very difficult. One deals with feelings of “I’d kill her now if I saw her.” Marge had to deal with “reconciling the relationship with someone you love” -- a sister and closest female friend -- and “accepting that Nancy’s choosing to end her own life was part of that relationship.” Once this is realized, it becomes easier. “Concluding that this act of suicide is a bona fide part of our relationship -- all relationships come to an end -- has helped me,” said Marge.

Of great help and consolation to Marge were other family members and friends, especially those who had lost loved ones themselves. They offered openness and compassion. Books have helped. Marge mentions “My Son, My Son” by Irish Bolton. And the group, “Survivors of Suicide” which meets regularly at The Link Counseling Center in Sandy Springs. “There is a real need to talk about the loved one but there is such a taboo about this kind of death.” She explores the ambiguity surrounding the subject which she attributes to a great lack of understanding.

Suicide prevention and mental health are not priorities in American Society and it is very difficult to mobilize people and institutions to address serious problems. “Many people don’t wish to talk about or discuss it. Yet, accepting the experience as a factual part of existence, that it is OK to use the word “suicide” and to talk about it is essential. Marge had dealt with this by calling the act of suicide by name. She reflects on her sister’s honesty, how she was honest about herself and others about her illness, sending Marge articles that she had clipped.

“There are really no resources to tap into in our schools and parishes,” Marge said. “There is little that is available to young people especially the young in crisis.” There is a great need to “minister rather than to administer” in the parish. She has worked with youth groups and says “if you are looking for something definitely not “programs.” .

The youth sees things in black and white. They are testing values and quickly sense whether things are real or not. Pat answers just will not do. “We need Gospel values, not administration.”

She wishes herself or someone else had suggested the sacrament of the Anointing of the Sick for her sister. “I guess we still tend to think that this is solely for the dying instead of us holding a gift from Our Lord. “ She described the close family friend, the clergyman who concelebrated her sister’s Requiem Mass who, in his efforts to learn how to help others, had questioned family members. His careful listening helped them and he gained insights for himself.

Marge concluded her generous recounting of a personal tragedy by describing the healing effect of a particular comment by a couple who are close family friends. They too had lost a child through suicide. “We walked the floor, we paced the floor -- then finally came to the awareness,” -- a breakthrough to them and for Marge -- “Some people die this way.” Yet, her final observation is “it doesn’t have to happen. It is preventable.” There are verbal clues and actions by the person which, if known and recognized, can help family and friends to intercede. With the support of institutions and people who can really care, such tragedy can be avoided.