By Mary Beth Marino

(Last in a Series)

It’s tough being a parent today.

It’s even tougher being a child.

When you ask yourself how on earth a parent could possibly abuse their child, you probably have a vivid picture in mind of what that parent is like.

Your first mental impression might portray a “sickie” who hates children and tolerates not even the smallest offense from a child. The father could be a loser who is uneducated and incapable of holding a job. The mother, a shallow, dependent woman, feels putting up with this spouse is easier than trying to survive alone. She could even make excuses for the husband, saying the child constantly breeds trouble.

You might even picture the home as being filthy, beer cans or bottles strewn all over the place, junk food in the refrigerator or cupboards and consistently violent arguments ending up in a free-for-all brawl of physical abuse.

Unfortunately, this dramatic vision of abusive parents is probably the most distorted view of what actually perpetrates child abuse.

Rather, picture this.

A family of six. One girl and three boys, Mom and Dad. Dad is the successful vice-president of a local consulting firm. He’s very good at what he does, but the job creates a great deal of pressure having to meet staggering quotas at the end of each quarter. It means traveling a great deal and lots of overtime work.

But basically, he loves his position and feels he does a good job of financially supporting his family. He would like to spend more time at home with his family, but…

Mom is the ideal. All Mother’s Day cards describe her perfectly. She’s the spark plug in the family. She keeps house, is the taxi driver, nurse and team mother.

She volunteers three times a week at her church and collects money in the neighborhood for a charitable organization. She attends P.T.A. meetings and is proud of her children’s accomplishments in school and sports. She has felt sufficiently secure in raising her toddlers to their present teenage stage.

She is starting to feel a little apprehensive, however. The inquisitive teens are starting to ask questions she can’t relate to. She’s feeling a little tired and burned out…

Good, loving parents, typical middle-class family with the everyday run-of-the-mill small hassles, but basically, non-traumatic.

But a nightmare is about to unravel and this well-adjusted family is about to collapse under straining circumstances common to most families.

Economic conditions are at critical proportions and the pressure Dad is under is, in itself, critical. Quotas have not been met for the last three quarters and the company feels they need a fresh approach. New blood might benefit the hurting business even though Dad has labored and sweated for 15 years. In a desperate attempt to ward off bankruptcy the firm asks for Dad’s resignation. Not to worry…Dad frugally saved some money…he can be out of work safely for six moths, maybe pick up something while searching for a job that utilizes his particular qualifications.

There is another small problem at home, however. Mom is consistently getting irritated at 16-year-old Tommy, who is constantly challenging her somewhat tired patience.

Tommy is getting rebellious because his parents are limiting what T.V. shows and films he watches. Not only that, but his parents don’t like the music he enjoys nor do they particularly like Tommy’s friend who just pierced his left ear.

Tommy was getting very moody, his self-esteem was getting lower and lower. He is confused with his parents’ standards while still trying to fit into a world deluged with liberal sex, drugs, pornography, run-aways, rapidly increasing abortions, and threat of nuclear war. Tommy wonders how his parents could ever understand his dealing with these pressures.

When Tommy’s parents were young, their major crisis was to have to walk ten miles to school in the snow, or rightfully, worrying about the impending Vietnam War. But to Tommy, nuclear war is the ever increasing threat of his era. It would only take some drug induced nut to press that button ending it all. Tommy believed that back in his parents’ day only a small group of high schoolers were alcohol or drug offenders.

But today, displays of violent music, videos and films, low regard for sex, condoning abortions, pornography rings make Tommy wonder how he will ever make his parents understand his extreme pressures.

Mom can no longer cope with Tommy and turns the job of discipline of her son to the man in the house. Dad. But things do not get better. They get worse because Dad’s self-esteem is suffering too from futile attempts in finding work.

He and Tommy start arguing and pretty soon Dad, hitting the peak of frustration, starts hitting Tommy. He verbally abuses him, telling him he’s “screwed up” and is nothing but a source of anger and constant upheaval in the house. Dad is up to his eyeballs in problems with bill collectors on his back, no job, added responsibility of Tommy’s problems, and a burned out wife who is quietly tormented herself, between understanding her husband’s feelings, yet realizing that Tommy is really a good kid trying to find his identity. She knows it’s the chaotic world which appears to be a never-ending source of troubled values. But she is helpless in her attempt to make sense of it all.

Dad, in an attempt to find some peace and sanity in this now unbearable lifestyle, starts drinking to calm his nerves and assuage his guilt for abusing Tommy, while feeling like a failure for his lack of employment. He is troubled as to how it will all end.

This story is not really unrelated to the typical family of today. More than likely, this case could be related, in perhaps varying degrees, to the majority of homes. Tommy will undoubtedly grow up to be a potential child abuser himself. Given his low self-esteem, coupled with his confusion in a society reeking of violence, how could he hope to be immune to it all.

Existing all over the country are parents who are really loving and concerned people, but they are breaking down in a non-peaceful society. There are also parents who abuse their children under the guise of discipline. But the common child abusers are normal people just trying to survive in a violent era, yet they are not experienced in rising above the problems. Nor do they collectively take a stand on the many issues and pressures children are growing up with today.

What do we tell Tommys all over the world whose low self-esteem is justifiable when he lives and experiences more violence than love in the home and outside in the world. Is Tommy really to blame for activating abuse…we can’t realistically say he is. So, are we to blame the parents who, at one time, had a loving and respectable home life, only to turn sour due to unforeseen circumstances.

Other than the isolated cases of true mental illness, it would seem apparent that child abuse is not necessarily the blame of the parents or child.

It’s very possible that the blame should go to a collective society whose formulation of a turbulent world, can now only foster turbulent break-downs in the nuclear families.

Parents must override the shame and guilt of abuse and be willing to seek help.

Educating ourselves is the only hope in conquering child abuse. It’s obvious we can’t take on all of society, especially when we are shaky in our own home. However, peace can be contagious under the same principle child abuse can. It can affect all of us.

Peace is the only gift left to give our children…the gift of love and survival…the gift of hope for the future.

One word sums it all up…peace.

Profile Of Abusive Or Neglectful Parents

Abusive or neglectful parents are likely to share several of the following characteristics:

They are isolated from family supports, such as friends, relatives, neighbors, and community groups.

They consistently fail to keep appointments, discourage social contact, rarely or never participate in school activities.

They seem to trust no one.

They are reluctant to give information about the child’s injuries or condition. They are unable to explain the injuries or they give far-fetched explanations.

They respond inappropriately to the child’s condition, either by overacting, or seeming hostile and antagonistic when questioned; or they under-react, showing little concern or awareness and seem more occupied with their own problems than those of the child.

They refuse to consent to diagnostic studies of the child.

They delay or fail to take the child for medical care – for routine checkups or for treatment of injury or illness. Or they may choose a different doctor or hospital each time.

They are overcritical of the child and seldom discuss the child in positive terms.

They have the unrealistic expectations of the child, expecting or demanding behavior that is beyond the child’s years or ability.

They believe in harsh punishment.

They seldom touch or look at the child.

They ignore the child’s crying or react with impatience.

They keep the child confined – perhaps in a crib or playpen – for very long periods of time.

They seem to lack understanding of the child’s physical and emotional needs.

They are hard to locate.

They may be misusing alcohol or drugs.

They appear to lack control or fear that they may lose control.

Their behavior may generally be irrational, they may seem incapable of child-rearing, and may seem to be cruel and sadistic.

Emotional Maltreatment: It Leaves Scars, Too

Each of us is guilty of having unkindly snubbed a child or of having criticized him too harshly, but emotional maltreatment is characterized by its being consistent and chronic behavior.

There are generally two types of emotional maltreatment; emotional neglect (an act of omission) – chronic failure by a parent to provide the child with the support and affection necessary to the development of a sound and healthy personality; emotional abuse (an act of commission) – chronic attitude or acts of a parent which are detrimental to the child’s development of a sound and healthy personality.

The Model Child Protection Act, developed by the National Center on Child Abuse and Neglect, provides criteria to aid in identifying emotional maltreatment: Emotional maltreatment causes emotional or mental injury. The effect can be observed in the child’s abnormal behavior and performance. The effect constitutes a handicap to the child. The effect is lasting rather than temporary.

EXAMPLES OF EMOTIONAL MALTREATMENT

The Parent Chronically: belittles the child so he is made to feel he can do nothing right;

criticizes the child harshly; blames the child for things over which the child has little or no control; uses the child as scapegoat when things go wrong; ridicules and shames the child; threatens the child’s safety and health; takes little or no interest in the child and his activities and seems not to care about the child’s problems; treats the child coldly and is not demonstrably affectionate; actually withholds love; treats the child differently from other children in the household; engages in bizarre acts of torture or torment, such as locking the child in a closet.

Profile Of Abused Or Neglected Children

Abused or neglected children are likely to share several of the following characteristics:

They appear to be different from other children in physical and emotional makeup or their parents describe them as being different or bad.

They seem afraid of their parents.

They may bear bruises, welts, sores or other skin injuries, which seem to be untreated.

They are given inappropriate food, drink or medication.

They are left alone or with inadequate supervision.

They are chronically unclean.

They exhibit extremes in behavior; cry often or cry very little and show no real expectation of being comforted; they are excessively fearful or seem fearless of adult authority; they are unusually aggressive or extremely passive or withdrawn.

They are wary of physical contact, especially with an adult. They may be hungry for affection yet have difficulty relating to children and adults. Based on their experiences, they feel they cannot risk getting close to others.

They exhibit a sudden change in behavior, exhibit regressive behavior, such as wetting their pants or bed, thumb-sucking, whining or becoming uncommonly shy or passive.

They have learning problems that cannot be diagnosed. Their attention wanders and they easily become self-absorbed.

They are habitually truant or late to school. Frequent or prolonged absences from school may result from the parents’ keeping an injured child at home until the evidence of abuse disappears. Or they may arrive at school early and remain after classes instead of going home.

They are tired and often sleep in class.

They are not dressed appropriately for the weather. Children who wear long sleeves on hot days may be dressed to hide bruises or burns or other marks of abuse or they may be dressed inadequately and suffer frostbite or illness from exposure to the weather.

Characteristics That Indicate Emotional Maltreatment

The signs of emotional maltreatment are less obvious to the untrained eye than physical abuse or neglect of a child. The child’s behavior is the best indicator that emotional maltreatment is occurring. The child who persistently exhibits several of these behavioral characteristics is experiencing difficulties or family problems which need some type of intervention:

Habits, such as biting, rocking, head-banging, thumbsucking in an older child.

Feeding disorders; daytime anxiety and unrealistic fears; sleep disorders, nightmares; enuresis (involuntary bed-wetting in an older child); speech disorders, such as stuttering and stammering; defiant; withdrawn and antisocial; poor relations with children of his own age; distrustful and overly fearful of strangers; irrational and persistent fears, dreads or hatred; hypochondriacal (abnormally anxious about his health or imagines he is ill); low self-esteem; lack of creativity and healthy exploration; seems not to know how to play; apathetic; feels little or no emotion; indifferent and listless; lacks purpose and determination; seems oblivious to hazards and risks destructive; obsessive or compulsive behavior extremes: aggressive or passive-dependant; assumes the parental role with other children or is infantile; behavior is rigid or overly impulsive; daydreams frequently; has hallucinations; overfantasizes; seems removed from reality

(This data has been provided for the Georgia Council on Child Abuse by the Georgia Department of Human Resources. For help contact Parents Anonymous at 688-0581 in Atlanta or toll-free 1-800-532-3208.)