By Mary Ellen DuVarney

Working in social services has given me the opportunity to observe the pain and strengths of broken families. For many couples the decision to end their marriage where children are involved is a difficult one, even when the marriage has caused considerable grief for both husband and wife.

These couples try different options before deciding to break up the family unit. As parents they want a good life for their children. They realize that ideally children need a father and a mother. But when they finally decide they can no longer live together as a couple, the inevitability of a family split must be faced. They explain the decision to the children. They separate, however painfully, and then share responsibility for rearing the children, now in separate homes.

There are even more painful broken families. These occur when one parent has so much difficulty in the marriage and internally that the person simply leaves the family. This type of situation was recently portrayed in the film, “Kramer vs Kramer.” In this case the father was given the opportunity to experience the frustrations and jobs of being the single parent to his young son. The father began to mature in a more caring way than had been possible when his wife assumed the majority of the parenting role.

I remember counseling a similar couple in Worcester, Mass. The very depressed mother, Betty, had been in the state hospital for a few weeks under her doctor’s supervision. Betty decided the frustrations of her marriage were too much for her, and she moved to another city to live with her sister. I encouraged her to seek counseling there which she did.

This left her husband, Don, alone with six children between the ages of three and twelve. He felt overwhelmed and called his parents to come and stay with him. They cared for the children during the hours he worked.

Don came to Catholic Charities for counseling. At first he was angry at his wife. He compared her most unfavorably to his adored sister, Lou, who had eleven children and still managed everything in her home perfectly. Don needed help to see his wife’s role as a mother more realistically.

One of the highlights of working with this family was the opportunity for Don and the older children to have a family session with a psychologist from the N.Y.C. Jewish Family Services. This psychologist had come to Catholic Charities to demonstrate the then innovative technique of family interviewing. He helped the family to express their grief over the absence of Betty from their lives. Eventually this story had a happy ending. Betty and Don forgave each other, and Betty returned to her family.

Many other families do not have this opportunity to heal and start again. There are situations in which one partner is unwilling or unable to maintain a commitment to the family. The single parent who is left has all of the responsibility for the children.

At these times community resources are invaluable. A Big Brother or Big Sister may be needed. Camps fill in the summer days when a parent must continue to work. Counseling keeps the family communication open and helps the children to accept the authority of the single parent. Groups for parents and teens allow the family members to find people with similar problems.

We need to be aware of these broken families in our midst, where we work and go to church or school. As concerned people, we can reach out to these families to involve them in our lives, so they do not feel isolated in this impersonal society.

Catholic Social Services is beginning a Family Life Education Program in February. I hope that parents and children in all types of families will be involved to share and grow as we explore the needs of parishioners in our greater Atlanta community.